@LauraK – I’m sure we all have low moments. The trouble is with thinking those low moments must define the narrative. In many cases there are other solutions. So, for instance, you mentioned not having enough childcare — it’s possible to ramp that up! Of course, then we deal with the other narratives I hear all the time, like that childcare is bad so it’s ergo a virtue to use as little as possible, even if it makes everyone insane as a result. Anyway… yep, I hate the “I could never…” phrase too – it’s usually meant to be judgmental…

Also, it just feels like there’s this ick factor, too. “There’s no way we could,” – it feels like a back-handed compliment, like “you’re so good at it.” I think there’s a term, like weaponized incompetence or something? I also hate the phrase, “I could never.” It seems like it’s about the person speaking, but it’s usually said in a way to judge other people. As in, “I could never leave my kids at a day care.” Honestly, people don’t know what they “could never” do until they have to.

BSD
From the little I have seen of Tim Carney and his work, he comes across as a person with solid ideas and insights. I also am not the type to see misogyny in everything. But I am very sympathetic to those who conclude that this is essentially misogyny. The distaste for women working often goes hand in hand with some of the other issues mentioned, such as relationship balance or imbalances. It harms women and the potential harm to children is high, as well. This whole thing is depressing.
I write and express this as a woman who is very traditionalist in some domains, and I definitely don’t fit into any sort of feminist box, even though I had feminist leanings since being a child.

A full-time nanny is the gold standard.

Yes, although that may be your generalization about childcare for people that earn less money. Middle income earners may have different preferences (such as, I would work more if I didn’t have to coordinate an au pair, daycare, afterschool care, extended family help, etc).

Obviously this is not always the case but, overall, I have concerns about women who lack financial independence because they are at risk in case something goes wrong (if the husband is suddenly ill or dies, they would face additional hardships and, of course, if the relationship is abusive, they might be more prone to stay). Curious to hear your thoughts.

I appreciate your stories about how you and your husband make life work with your crew- splitting duties and outings with different kids, leveraging other childcare options, and also making time for each other amidst your professional and parenting endeavors (it can be done!)

Please keep the balanced and accepting views of work and family coming!

@AM – thank you for your kind comment! I’m not sure how they plan to fund retirement. Hopefully the income-earning partner is putting enough away for both of them. I do believe people can open spousal 401ks to get some tax benefits on retirement savings. And I would imagine that many people do wind up back in the workforce at some point when their kids are older – I’m not sure how many women never work for pay at all post kids. That said, I’m sure to some folks the idea of women being financially dependent on men is a plus, not a concern.