Comments on: Weekend: Small moments of relaxation, Chuck E. Cheese, and thoughts on the mental load of meal planning

By: Joy OToole

Joy OToole — Sat, 19 Oct 2019 11:34:04 +0000

I’ve always been the cook/meal planner/main shopper at our house, but it has become much more complicated since I went back to work full-time last year. This is especially true at busy times of the year like now, when I’m in charge of a major event where I work.

So I’ve been rethinking how to approach this. My husband recently retired, but he has parental care and care of his special needs son on his plate so I haven’t given over much to him as of yet. To give him credit, he chips in whenever I ask and even when I don’t, like last night when I came home exhausted but started getting everything together to make a milk-based soup, only to discover we were out of milk! He jumped in the car and went to buy more milk AND something for dinner so I didn’t have to cook. Good guy. Also, I usually cook a lot over the weekend and then do crockpot/easy stuff a couple times during the week, filling in with leftovers.

Still, it’s in flux. I probably will remain the main planner but need to learn to enlist my husband more often to do prep/shopping for me.

By: Libby

Libby — Mon, 14 Oct 2019 12:29:32 +0000

In reply to Gillian. Chiming in as a nearly 30-year old single woman who LOVES cooking that you’re teaching your kids super valuable skills! My mom had us helping in the kitchen as early as I can remember doing stuff like making pasta (I was the runner, my brothers painted flour on, my sister fed through the roller), kneading bread dough, portioning cookies, etc. By high school my mom was working part time and would leave instructions for us to grill chicken or prep salads for dinner. It astonished me to get to college and realize some peers had no idea how to even cook a chicken breast or roast potatoes.

By: Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam — Thu, 10 Oct 2019 16:44:16 +0000

In reply to Caitlin.

@Caitlin – I agree that the day to day stuff can drag people down. That’s why (in previous posts) I’ve recommended off-loading Mon-Thurs dinner planning and prep as the biggest payoff for freeing up mental space. I know it’s been great for me to stop thinking about this. I can use the time to think of other things!

By: Kenia Sedler

Kenia Sedler — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 23:06:03 +0000

“There’s the menu planning — itself an exercise in knowing people’s preferences, and being knowledgeable enough of nutrition to occasionally serve vegetables — and the grocery shopping. This involves keeping a mental inventory of what is in the house and what is not. We don’t have a word for this mental work.”

The term “life admin” was recently coined by author Elizabeth F. Emens. Here’s an excellent piece by her on Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-admin/201812/the-invisible-labor-life-admin

By: Caitlin

Caitlin — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 18:40:03 +0000

I completely agree that we do tend to be blind to other people’s contributions. However, the three examples you mentioned, and many others I’ve heard such as yard maintenance, don’t take place every day the way that meal planning/cooking do. I think this is part of the problem–women are often in charge of the every day, and men step in to handle things that come up once a week or once in a while (no one is mowing the lawn every day). Dealing with the mental load every day is exhausting and is what leads to these types of articles.

I did think this particular article was calm and considered, and looked at both sides of the situation (the many sides of it, actually), which is a refreshing difference from some of the similar articles. And as you mention, while it’s always ongoing, it sounds like they resolved it in this practical way.

I know one of your answers to lessening the mental load is to do less and lower standards, and in regards to meal planning, I have. I eat a low-carb, high-fat diet so I just make food for myself; my husband and young daughter eat what they like and supplement with other food. I’ll make a couple of other things for them here and there (rice, baked sweet potatoes, etc.) and my husband is also fine with eating cereal or a sandwich for dinner.

By: Lisa of Lisa's Yarns

Lisa of Lisa's Yarns — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 13:24:48 +0000

We really changed our approach to meal planning/cooking after we had our son. Before I did 100% of it – planned the meals, grocery shopped, did the cooking. Now we sit down mid-week, look through the grocery ad, and come up with a meal plan. I made 3-4 meals/week and we have leftovers or easy things on the other days (like eggs or cereal – we are not a ‘make a meal every night’ kind of family). Then I add what we need to our grocery list which is a shared note on our iPhone. That way my husband can always add to it and it’s a shared responsibility. Then he does the grocery shopping on Saturday morning and I do a lot of the prepping ahead of time (like chopping veggies), and I assemble the meals while he feeds our son. We eat after our son eats as it just doesn’t work for us to all sit down together. Our son is hungry around 5:30-5:45 and there’s just no way I can get a meal on the table for all of us by then since we get home around 5-5:15. Hopefully some day down the road we can all eat together but for now, this is what works for us.

Reviewing the division of labor in our house has been really important since having a child. We are both aware of what the other does and appreciate their contribution (I’m so glad my husband handles all the snow removal!!). And we shift things when it’s inequitable, like our meal prep used to be.

By: Kristin

Kristin — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 11:04:57 +0000

In reply to aelle. I’ve seen meal plans that do this and have been intrigued! I think I could do this and maybe have an “optional” meal or something for days I want to try something new or see something online or in a magazine. I like the index card! Thanks!

By: aelle

aelle — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 08:46:16 +0000

I cancelled meal planning and inventory management altogether in my household. I guess you could say I am in charge of it because I created the system, but it was a one-time investment and now it requires no thought and no effort. I wrote a stack of weekly meal plans on index cards (4 for each season), with matching grocery list on the back, and we rotate through them. The only mental work is to select one index card on Saturday, which is grocery run day. I love to cook and to eat, and I miss the variety to some extent, but not enough to go back to planning a unique menu each week (let alone planning on a daily basis!) When time opens up I want to add back one spontaneous recipe per week.

By: Barb

Barb — Wed, 09 Oct 2019 01:27:11 +0000

In reply to Amy. Amy, the one I used was Menu Mailer from Saving Dinner. It did come with a complete shopping list for the week, but a lot of the list was staples like oils, spices, flour, etc. so when I went to the store I really bought only about 2/3 of what was on the list.

By: Caroline at Costa Rica FIRE

Caroline at Costa Rica FIRE — Tue, 08 Oct 2019 19:44:52 +0000

I am finally an empty-nester after 18 years cooking for a family of 4 and 6 additional years cooking for a family of 3. I do feel like I have extra time on my hands b/c meal prep takes a substantive amount of time. I used to do a lot of the big prep meals over the weekend and saved leftovers for the weekdays. I still do that even if it’s just me and my husband. We save even more time now b/c he does green juice for the morning, which he preps himself, and I do intermittent fasting so I don’t eat till lunchtime anyway. It’s been great for my energy level, and it is a time saver.