I think I succeeded. July was fun and relaxed and I wasn’t even on vacation! I did a lot of work — running a survey for my next book and doing several interviews for it, doubling up on a lot of podcasting so I don’t have to record much in August, giving speeches, etc.

But there were also a lot of family and personal life highlights. July opened with that epic long weekend (basically July 2-7 for me…) during which we helped set off a lot of (safe and sane!) fireworks at a friend’s house, went to the beach, went on a family bike ride (almost all of us) and SHU and her family came over for recordings, swimming, and an adults-only dinner out featuring margaritas.

After that we sent various older boys off to camp at various points. My husband and I went to Longwood Gardens for the beer garden and the flowers. My daughter and I went to see Olivia Rodrigo, which was definitely a summer highlight. I enjoyed getting to know her music and the show was great! (My daughter was an excellent concert companion — I’m so glad she’s willing to hang out with me.) That weekend also featured the York State Fair where, among other things, I got to see the Flying Cortes act, with Commander Alexander getting shot out of a cannon. I was so fascinated that I reached out and was able to do a short phone interview with him this week. I have interviewed a lot of people about their careers and how they spend their time over the years, but never someone who works as a human cannonball. So look for that in my upcoming content.

There have been solo several bike rides, and lots of swims. As I wrote yesterday, we’ve gone in the pool most nights. I went in last night by myself for a while, then chatted with my 17-year-old in the hot tub until it was pitch black dark. (Theoretically the pool lights have been fixed, finally, but I don’t have the app to turn them on yet…) There have been a lot of strawberry acai lemonade refreshers from Starbucks, and evenings where I open the windows.

So there’s been a lot of summer already, and now it’s on to August, which is a full summer month for us (the kids don’t start school until after Labor Day). I just got an ad from Scandic Hotels this morning informing me that summer isn’t over yet. And it’s true! Just like on Sunday the weekend isn’t over yet. Unlike with July there actually will be vacations this month — both a more relaxing one and a more adventurous one. I’m hoping to use the fact that I’m ahead on some of the day-to-day work to open space for thinking deep thoughts. But we shall see.

I hope you have much to look forward to this August!

So, this week, I put “ride bike” on my weekly priority list. I aim to cross everything off by the end of the week (otherwise, why put something on the list?). I hadn’t done it yet, and the week is ending fast, so I was pondering the logistics of lowering the backseat of my car and putting my bike in my trunk and which trail I could get to reasonably quickly.

Then I realized that I could lower the transaction costs by just…riding my bike on my driveway and my street. We live on a very quiet road that’s right off a very busy road — so I can’t get anywhere far on my bike without taking my life in my hands (or putting the bike in my car). But my road is fine.

So that’s what I did. I rode up and down the street a handful of times and then came back.

I’m sure I would have enjoyed a lovely trail ride a lot more. But if getting that going was going to be intimidating, better to aim low and get it done than aim high and not do it at all. As it is, my little ride whetted my appetite for more so I’m trying to convince my husband to go on a ride with me somewhere in the next week or two. I enjoyed myself, and I get to cross this off the list. Not bad for 15 minutes!

Photo: As you can see if you read this post somewhere that gives the “You may also like…” widget at the bottom, I have used this photo before — almost exactly six years ago. No wonder I look younger in it…

Friends, on the other hand, are a different story.

When people get busy with work and kids, friendships can be hard to push up the priority list. If adult-only time is available, you might make a rational choice to invest that time in keeping your marriage going (or at least getting some exercise). Getting together with friends tends to require making plans, and managing a career and a family already requires planning a lot. Sometimes it’s easier not to bother. So people will track a normal week and see close to zero time with friends who aren’t colleagues. Colleagues can make great friends, but if it’s not time outside of active work (e.g. happy hour or a lunch time walk) it probably doesn’t feel quite the same.

This is all unfortunate, because there is pretty good evidence that friendships make people healthier and happier.

The good news is that maintaining and growing friendships doesn’t need to take a ton of time. Investing 1-2 hours per week — out of 168 — can make a big payoff. Plus, knowing those 1-2 hours are coming up can change the feeling of the entire week as you know you have something good coming up and can look forward to it.

This leads me to my March Friendship Challenge. If you tracked your time in January — or even if you didn’t! — and felt that you would like to spend more friends, here’s the chance to hold yourself accountable. Here’s what you do:

1. List a few folks you’d like to get together with. If you and your spouse tend to socialize together sometimes, you could create a joint list plus some people you’d want to get together with individually too.
2. Look at your calendar for March and see what might make sense. Are some weekends more open than others? Maybe there’s a school half-day coming up where you’ll be taking a half day too. Look at events that your friends might want to join you for, or just get creative. As we learned a few weeks ago, no one is busy at 5 a.m. For long distance friends, a blocked out time to FaceTime/Zoom/chat can work too.
3. Call/email/text these people and offer them a slot plus a back-up. As in “we would love to have you over [x weekend]! Could you do a Friday early dinner or Saturday lunch?” The back-up increases the chances of it happening — plus if the person can’t do either, they’re highly likely to offer an alternative, as your specifics have shown you are serious in a way that “let’s get together sometime” doesn’t necessarily show.
4. Aim for weekly. Challenge yourself to get at least four such get-togethers on your calendar for March.
5. Trouble-shoot any logistical challenges that might thwart your plans. Your proposed back-up slot might come in handy here. But the upside of planning at least four get-togethers is that 2-3 are highly likely to happen, and that’s probably more than were happening before.

If you already have some friend get-togethers on the calendar, great! Some people have book clubs, run with a group every Thursday morning, rotate houses for lunch after church, or have a neighborhood pot-luck once a month, and those are all amazing. All these count, but you could still challenge yourself to add another get-together or two to the calendar for March. If you don’t have such a regular get-together, March might be a good time to start one! Regular get-togethers lower the transaction costs of getting together because no one needs to plan it, and people start to protect the time on their calendars.

And as for people you see regularly? You might consciously try to turn an occasion where you regularly see someone into something more friendly. If you’re headed to the playground after pick-up see if another family wants to join you. If today doesn’t work, figure out another day that would. If you see someone frequently at the dog park, see if they want to set a time to be sure to meet (and let the dogs play).

Anyway, if this sounds of interest, let me know! Life is always busy, but when it comes to friendship, 1-2 hours a week can change the narrative from “I have no time for fun” or “I have nothing to look forward to” to something a little more positive. And when so much in the world seems bleak, that can make a big difference.

Photo: No flowers yet, but this photo was snapped on May 1 last year so they are coming!

My husband took the big kids skiing later Saturday. They only made it through three runs because it was cold — guess that wind chill factor is on to something — but we have a season pass to a local mountain so it was OK. I am trying not to think too hard about the fact that it took longer for me to corral everyone’s ski things and make sure they were in them than they probably spent skiing.

I took some of the children ice skating at an outdoor rink on Sunday in near perfect sunny 25 degree weather, and went sledding with the 7-year-old, thus crossing another item off the Winter Fun List. This was fun for me, but he was sitting in front of me on the sled, meaning he was the shield for flying powder and took some in the face on our fourth run. This ended the fun for him, but he cheered me on as I did two more runs.

I do not love winter. I have found myself thinking, lately, that in 2 months the flowers will be budding. Winter cannot last forever. But I also do not like the idea of wishing time away, and so I am trying to enjoy those things that are only possible in winter. A snowy weekend provides an opportunity to experience several of those things — and some stunning snowy sunsets and fires in the fireplace too.

Fortunately he did go down at 7:30 p.m. last night (if he was up again at 11 p.m….) which was good because I needed to record a ton of Before Breakfast episodes. I haven’t been able to do this during the day because my neighbors are putting on a new roof and hence the workers bang and run machinery intermittently from 7:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. daily.

Did I mention that I am recovering from a cold? Not Covid, but not fun either.

The high schooler was supposed to take the bus this week (since I was on solo duty in the early mornings) but something went wrong two days in a row and I needed to load the three youngest kids into the van (waking two of them) to drive him to school.

I have also spent 1-2 hours on house stuff daily — including such fun activities as re-selecting carpets after realizing my first choices were not good.

So, even though it might seem a bit premature, I have been making Christmas plans. I put together my annual holiday fun list. I have been buying tickets and making reservations. For me, at least, knowing I have fun stuff coming up makes a not-so-great week feel better. I have something to look forward to! Here’s what I plan to do this year to celebrate the season:

Get matching family pajamas. They are ordered! We will open them on Christmas Eve (or the day before) I imagine, and take our family picture. I know that the 12-year-old in particular will wear them once for the picture solely as a favor to me and then never wear them again, but oh well.

See LumiNature at the zoo. I wound up purchasing tickets in advance for a lot of holiday light shows in November. I figure that the weather might be slightly warmer than in December and November weekends tend to be less busy than December ones. Plus, it stretches out the holiday fun! So we’re going to the zoo display soon. We will also go see Longwood Christmas and the holiday railway at Morris Arboretum over Thanksgiving weekend. (I may wind up getting a ticket to see Longwood solo too, as I did last year — it’s a nice family activity but sometimes the kids don’t want to linger in the same way I do…)

Take the boys to the Nutcracker. The performance is back on this year! Seeing this ballet is one of the annual events that really makes Christmas feel like Christmas to me. My two eldest children, interestingly, were the ones who raised their hands to go. We’ve got tickets (and our vaccine cards for the theater).

Go to a handful of in-person holiday parties. My husband has two festive work-related events we will be attending. Alas, between the fifth baby and the pandemic I’m not sure my festive dresses (dating back to 2018 at this point) fit me, so I will add dress shopping to the holiday fun list.

Go out for dinner for my birthday. My parents are coming to celebrate during the day (ok, the day before — my “birthday eve?”) and then stay with the kids while my husband and I go out.

Play Christmas carols on the piano. I’ll need to use the upright piano at the current house as the workmen are still pounding away over at the new one. (Much banging…I suppose my neighbors’ roof is payback for what we’ve put our neighbors at the new place through…).

Make the Lego Christmas set with whichever children wish to participate. I’m debating when to start this one as I don’t want to have small pieces and an in-progress project out while we’re showing the house. But maybe soon.

Buy holiday flowers for the house. We will need to put the poinsettias up high so babies and dogs don’t get into them. My daughter asked that I put “decorate for Christmas” generally on this list. We’ll get a tree of course, and put a wreath on the door. She wants to wrap her bedroom door in wrapping paper. This reminds me that I need to go to Costco to supplement the wrapping paper supply.

Read Christmas stories with the kids. Five kids and fourteen years in, we have a fine collection of Christmas stories. I just bought Mr. Willoughby’s Christmas Tree and the Fletcher Christmas book so we’ll add those to the list.

Visit the live nativity at church. Kind of like going to the zoo and church at the same time, I guess? There’s no Christmas pageant this year, so this will be our main Christmas service for the kids. I may sing in the Christmas Eve service of lessons and carols. They’re still limiting how many people can be in the choir loft so we will see if I make the cut…

What’s on your holiday fun list?

Getting my crew to behave and smile is never easy. This year we’ll be throwing a dog into the mix, in addition to the mobile toddler and occasionally surly older children. One of the photo proofs that came home from the school yearbook photo session is just laughable for its “really, you expect me to do this?” vibe.

Our long-time photographer is truly excellent and she will get great shots of all of us looking at the camera with something close to happiness. Or not looking at the camera when it is artistically appropriate! Nonetheless, getting everyone to wear their nice outfits and cooperate is going to be stressful. And there will be other stresses. We’re doing the shoot at the new house since there is a good chance there will be an open house going on at our current house at the same time. Preparations for that will overlap with preparations for the photos. Plus, my husband will be bringing one child back from an overnight camping trip. Theoretically there should be plenty of time but…he might come back covered in mud. And with the open house going on, there won’t be a chance to shower him. Can you see I’ve been pondering this?

All this is to say it probably won’t be the most relaxing few hours of my life. But on the other hand, the kids are growing up. The photos we take for our Christmas cards capture these fleeting moments in time. I know I will be happy to have the photos, even if in the moment we will be cold, and the toddler will be running off somewhere, and the dog barking, and all the rest. Future Me will be happy to have the photos. So I can picture myself on some future day, cozy and quiet, looking at these adorable children and the bright fall leaves, and hold on to that image. And hopefully not scream too much in the meantime!

After the photographer and real estate team left, I went out in the backyard with the toddler. As we were wandering around back there, I was reminded of how much I love this house. The butterfly bush is still blooming, as are the “pink grapefruit” yarrows. My husband bought mums and planted rows of fall blooming asters. The leaves are starting to change color. The gates and lanterns and wood porch all looked pretty in the waning light.

The house has been a very good home for us. We have been very happy here. I hope someone else will be very happy here too.

We made a decision to purchase this place quite quickly about 10.5 years ago. We were moving from NYC, and knew very little about the area. So in retrospect it is a blessing how well the house suited our needs for a great many years. The mudroom is spacious. The basement is light and since the house is on a slope, you can walk out to a lower level porch. The kids’ bedrooms are reasonably big. We completely renovated the kitchen three years ago and now it feels airy in addition to functional. It opens up to a porch that looks out over the backyard, and makes you feel like you’re looking out at the top of a forest…even if it is suburban PA. I wish our street had sidewalks, but I can run to trails in less than 10 minutes, so that has been a lovely benefit.

Houses become more than just a place to live. They carry so many memories between their walls. There are drawings on the wall that my now teens and pre-teens made when they were little. The stairs are where their little feet ran up and down every morning. The driveway is where they learned to ride bikes.

Our new house is going to be amazing. I am looking forward to this new chapter, but starting a new chapter means you’ve finished another one. So it goes. Time passes. But I’m sure this house has the ability to make many new memories for someone, who I hope loves it as much as we have.

Photo: Staged kitchen. Everything gone from the counters except a plant I got as a baby gift from Anne Bogel — if you’re not reading the Modern Mrs. Darcy blog or listening to the What Should I Read Next? podcast, you should! 

I have a great life. And yet certain social media posts still get at me. It’s not about cars or homes — I’m perfectly happy there, so these don’t inspire much jealousy on my part. Instead, it’s people waxing eloquent about their relaxing and wonderful family vacations, or those large family pictures where the kids are all in matching lovely clothes and the mom looks polished and put together. A close runner up is anyone talking about the long retreat they took to write their book next to a babbling stream.

I know plenty of this is unreal. Who is taking those family photos of the whole family? This is not setting your iPhone up on a tripod. It’s clearly a commercial enterprise, and those “relaxing” family vacations were paid for and arranged, in full, by the hotel/resort/amusement park sponsoring the post.

That said, I think it’s wise to recognize these exact triggers because they often tell us something about our lives and what we might want to change. In my case, the existence of the toddler means that relaxation is hard to find — on vacation or any other time. But not impossible. I’ve set up a few hours of weekend childcare for the baby over the next few weeks so time will feel less frantic. I suppose if I wanted to hire a stylist and a photographer to follow me around so my family scenes looked more polished I could do so. I probably don’t care enough to make that happen, but I could invest a bit more in my appearance (hello coming out of Covid into the real world again…). And I’m analyzing my time to make sure I have more uninterrupted writing stretches. I have removed myself from the camp runs today for instance. It’s not weeks of solitude along a babbling brook, but I’d probably get tired of that pretty quick.

What sorts of posts most send you into these musings? I’ve pondered pruning my feed down to only people I know in real life and dollhouse furniture accounts, but on the other hand, the matching outfits are pretty cute…

Photo: A relaxing vacation drink, though abandoned about halfway through when something or another happened

Any long project can feature low moments. Sometimes you even go through a valley of despair (see: toddler sleep woes…or the build-up to Napoleon’s invasion of Russia…). That’s why it’s good to celebrate any milestones you can. You can even build in milestones to celebrate!

So this morning I turned in three chapters plus the intro to my editor to get feedback. I went out for a sushi lunch with my 11-year-old to celebrate (he has half-day camp this week). I’ll toast getting a third of the book done tonight. Then I’ll toast my progress again when I finish the next three chapters.

There’s nothing magical about three chapters, but part of adulthood is realizing that you can give yourself gold stars if you find them motivational. Given all these long projects, I’m needing a few gold stars. So I’ll seize the opportunity when I can.

Now, on to approve some more change orders…

Photo: From the celebratory lunch

I skipped some of the kids’ activities, but my 6-year-old loves his rock climbing class, so I left the big three home and took the baby with me. We spent much of the time walking around the nearby office park parking lots. This was not exactly the most naturally pretty setting. Think piles of dirty snow, mud, the nearby train tracks.

But, as we walked toward the back of a restaurant, I saw a sign on the driveway over a creek: Swan crossing. Swan crossing? We walked closer and, sure enough, two gorgeous white birds floated toward us. We stood on that bridge and watched them for a long time — their sleek necks darting under the surface again and again, the contrast of orange beak and black patches on white feathers. They were utterly mesmerizing — so beautiful. While the world will be beautiful in three weeks, right now, one expects to look harder for beauty. And there it was, gratuitously.

After a while, we walked back to the gym and went inside to check on my other little guy. As I pushed the stroller in, I saw him, high above everyone else, a few feet from the top of one of the harder walls. This last little bit required some care. He weighed his choices. He swung a foot out wide, hoisted himself up. One more quick fit of fancy foot work. He reached out, tapped the top and howled in victory. I watched him descend down the wall. As he stepped out of the harness, he began running around in circles, pumping his fist in the air and saying “Hallelujah! Hallelujah!”

I have no idea why he chose that word of praise, but hey, it made me laugh. And so while there were a number of frustrations this weekend and some bleary moments when the baby woke too early and I knew sleep would be a long time coming, the image of swans and a little boy’s joy stand out. Over time, I suspect those will be what I remember.

In other news: I’m working on an article on how families are navigating the return to “normal” and negotiating new demands on their time. If you’re newly back in the office, or your kids have started up full-time schooling again I’d love to hear how you’ve changed things as a result of a year of schedules looking different. As always, you can email me at lvanderkam at yahoo dot com.

Photo: The image I’m seeing a lot these days — the toddler’s boots…