Comments on: What to do (not when to do it) — more on Rule #7: Take one night for you

By: Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam — Tue, 21 Mar 2023 00:26:30 +0000

@Marcia – it says you know what you like! How fun 🙂

By: Marcia Francois

Marcia Francois — Mon, 20 Mar 2023 13:04:44 +0000

What does it say about me that I have 3 such “nights” every week? Two Zumba classes and a Flamenco dance class 🙂

It is just a non-negotiable in my mind to ever miss those and everyone in my life knows about them – work, etc. My boss even says “are you on your way to Zumba?” 😉

By: Cynthia

Cynthia — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 22:06:24 +0000

For this rule I think back to what I was doing when I worked full time and had two young children. Some of my fondest memories are from when I took time for myself to pursue an interest. Often it was an art class. I did poorly in art at school, but it was something I wanted to try as an adult. The class made it a weekly commitment but for a manageable time (6-10 weeks). I didn’t think about work or family while at the class (which meant I ended the evening refreshed even if I was very tired when I arrived), I really improved A LOT (which gave me a sense of accomplishment for learning a new skill) and I ended up with great memories of time well spent. I also made some new friends, which was a bonus!

There’s something about doing a structured activity or being part of an organized group that takes this rule to the next level. In hindsight, I got huge benefits from pursuing an outside interest that engaged me fully. Short-term benefits (like I listed above) and the longer-term benefit of helping me build an identity beyond “parent” and “worker”.

By: Gwinne

Gwinne — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 12:23:18 +0000

In reply to LK. Hi! I don't disagree and also used similar strategies pre-pandemic. BUT not a choice I want to make right now fir myself. If I have a concrete activity I'd like to do, I have no trouble hiring a sitter. I can carve out "me time" for the things that ACTUALLY matter to me if I take the opportunities when they arise by looking at my calendar each week. If that needs care, I get it.

By: LK

LK — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 02:52:19 +0000

In reply to Laura Vanderkam. Hi Gwinne, I also hate paying for sitters (they are around $20 an hour here, and when you have a sitter it is like managing an employee), but I’ve found some work arounds. Our Y has parents night out where the kids play for 3 hours and watch a movie for $10. Some rec departments will have them once a month, too. I used to use the Kid Watch at the Y and exercise for 30 min then write for 30 min at one of the little tables. He used to like IKEA kid watch before the pandemic, and I would get coffee at the cafe and read. We also used to do play dates with another family. But there is something in the “grand gesture” (cal Newport) of paying for care. I think it makes you use the time well and shows that this is something important.

By: Irena

Irena — Tue, 07 Mar 2023 00:18:37 +0000

The “night off” was working for me when I used to commute to my job in the big city 50 miles away from the small town where we used to live. I used to stay in a city one night a week to ease out the commute, go shopping and exploring, and just take some rest. Nowadays I work from home, eat lunch at my kitchen every day, and cook home-made meals for supper (almost) every night! So i gave myself permission to go out for coffee every Saturday morning, either alone or with a friend, just to get out of the house and get some me-time 🙂 It has been working magic for my mood, and my husband is happy with it 🙂 He works outside of home and wants to stay in on the weekends, and i am the opposite!!!! He is happy that I go out for coffee and don’t drag him with me, meet my friends, do occasional shopping, etc. He is just happy to stay home and watch the kids. The kids do have swim lessons on Sat, and we take turns taking them. I choose to pay extra to fit those lessons into 9-11 am timeframe, so i can go for coffee or meet friends during “my time” from 11 am till about 1 pm.

By: Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 22:38:19 +0000

In reply to Maggie.

@Maggie – it doesn’t have to be a class or a choir – I just know those are the sorts of things that allow people to feel like they’re making progress, seeing people, and that they have to be there (so it happens). Meeting friends can be great too – and maybe a regular get-together could become something people really prioritize over time.

By: Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 22:37:21 +0000

In reply to Gwinne.

@Gwinne – sounds like a good plan! But I will just chime in here if any one else is a single parent and is looking for permission to hire a sitter to go sit by yourself somewhere…I’m happy to give it. Taking a night for yourself, even if you don’t have specific plans, really can make life feel more sustainable.

By: Gwinne

Gwinne — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 12:30:27 +0000

My comments echoes Maggie’s. I love the spirit of the this rule as a reminder to take time for ME outside work amd parent roles. But as a single mother with a complicated schedule it doesn’t make much sense to claim one night and stick with it every week unless I start taking a class and get a regular babysitter.

This past weekend I went to a friend’s for tea in the morning. Another afternoon involved a walk with a different friend. Tonight my kid has a 2 hr rehearsal which means I can do something . So I’m accepting this challenge but I’m not going to hire a sitter so I can sit by myself somewhere! Needs to be one offs, at least for now…

By: Maggie

Maggie — Mon, 06 Mar 2023 08:59:39 +0000

Thank you for this post! I think maybe I am too narrow in my understanding of this rule. I am meeting a friend today at a set time and that is definitely a committment. I mean, not showing up is not really an option. 😉 I guess I kept thinking in terms of “it has to be a class or choir, the same people and activity every week”.