@VSH – I think it would be interesting to ask a bunch of fathers what amount of time they feel constitutes adequate quality time. I think there would be a lot of people who assume if they’re there for dinner or for bedtime, they are “involved.”
As for more than one kid – absolutely – I’m often not with one kid because I’m with another!

However- I do find certain hours of the day to be more enjoyable with kids than others. Would advocate for a split shift if the issue is spending cranky evening hours, or by shifting the workday with her husband. I.e. he can do the morning shift so she can go in early and finish early.

Once I asked my husband what his requirement would be to feel like he had quality time with his kids. Basically as long as he is there for the 20-30min each weekday that it takes us to consume dinner, he thinks he is a great Dad. He could be away from the kids for the other 23.5hrs of the day. Thankfully he is around much more than this. I try to remind myself that moms and dads often have different minimums.

@Amanda- thanks! Yep, I think people often let dads off the hook in terms of involved childcare. But they can absolutely take responsibility for the kids to allow mom some leisure time. And if they can’t or won’t do that, then bringing in someone else to share the load is absolutely justified.

@Seppie – funny! And not surprising. I remember an Oprah episode about the daughters of first generation of working moms, and one woman was going on about this and later talked with her mom and realized that she’d stayed home with her for the first 7 years of her life. She just had no memory of it! We all live in our own worlds – particularly children.

My younger daughter went through a phase like that. It lasted for about 6 months. Thank god that was with my second kid and not my first or else I would have felt so heartbroken and questioning my choices to work full time. My older one was in daycare longer and never went through that phase. The fact that I spent more time with her than my older one and she wanted me less (for a brief period), made the situation slightly amusing.

For what it’s worth, after that stint, she always preferred me,

@Amanda – I think many kids go through a phase where they become very attached to one adult. Sometimes it is mom but not always. When my eldest was 19 months he went through a Daddy attachment phase to the point where he would scream if my husband tried to hand him to me when we were both there. It made no sense because trust me, this was not about time (or even fun time) spent with the kid — my husband was gone for multiple days at a time almost every week. I was definitely resentful but tried to view it as hey, if we are both there he can deal with the toddler and make up for some of the other time he isn’t there!
I think in your case — yes, the kid grows out of it, and you know your older kid didn’t behave the same way, so it’s about the child not the situation. And how awesome that your nanny is so wonderful! I agree with you that this is the best way to view it. You will always be Mom.