Comments on: False choices https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/ Writer, Author, Speaker Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:31:31 +0000 hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.2 By: Laura https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21070 Tue, 27 Mar 2012 15:31:31 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21070 In reply to Carrie.

@Carrie – it is funny how we can say things and people don’t really hear them, because they assume you must not mean it. We have certain scripts that run in our heads that are very difficult to change.

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By: Carrie https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21069 Tue, 27 Mar 2012 12:57:16 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21069 In reply to Laura.

Exactly… it does!

The thing is, he’s no slouch in the Daddy department so the guilt is really false. He puts the toddler to bed every night, spends most of the weekend hanging out with the family, taking kids to the park, he’s home for dinner every night, etc.

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By: Laura https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21068 Tue, 27 Mar 2012 01:05:58 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21068 In reply to oilandgarlic.

I think you’re on to something with not being separated from the baby so early, though I’d argue that being able to work from home is probably a good compromise. I think if people came back to work virtually in the fields where it is possible at 3 months, and didn’t transition back to in-office work until later (ok, ever) that could solve the problem too. I really didn’t take much time off after having any of my children. But because I could work on my own terms, and in my own house (thus seeing the kids at lunch, feeding the baby when she needed it) it was fine. Obviously this doesn’t work in all fields. If you’re a dental hygienist, you need to be where your patients are.

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By: oilandgarlic https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21067 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 23:15:15 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21067 I think women set themselves up for the ultimate false choice when they equate their entire salary with childcare. I understand why but at the same time, shouldn’t we count only part of two incomes as going toward childcare? My pet peeve is the false choice of staying home or working due to short maternity leaves in the U.S.! I truly think that we could make better choices if we had at least 6 months to 1 year because by that point, your child could be “done” with breastfeeding and you have recovered some sleeptime. By having to make a choice at the 3month mark, more women feel compelled to leave the work force. Believe me, it’s much harder to leave behind a 3 month old than a 1year old, even though 1 year old is still very very young.

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By: Laura https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21066 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 01:49:26 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21066 In reply to Nicoleandmaggie.

@N&M – even my two-year-old has now figured that “neither” is an option. He just told me that this weekend when I gave him a fake choice. I was like you can’t do that!

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By: Laura https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21065 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:16:33 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21065 In reply to Carrie.

@Carrie- ugh, that’s a bad one. Especially since the added stress (and weight) probably does more harm to his self-image and hence to the relationship than the time away to bike would do! There could be a post in making time for big projects without taking too much time away from family. I trained for a marathon two years ago, and basically took a half day off work each week to do my long runs.

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By: Laura https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21064 Mon, 26 Mar 2012 00:14:51 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21064 In reply to Siran.

@Siran – yes, because it could never be the same person, right?

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By: Siran https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21063 Sun, 25 Mar 2012 12:05:49 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21063 Oh I have one! A all-time favorite in China: should a girl marry the one she loves or the one that loves her? It never failed to amuse and also annoy me. 🙂

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By: Lovely Links | Natural Moms Talk Radio https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21062 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:53:07 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21062 […] Laura Vanderkam writes about false choices. I call these “false dichotomies”. We limit ourselves terribly when we engage in this […]

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By: Carrie https://lauravanderkam.com/2012/03/false-choices/#comment-21061 Sat, 24 Mar 2012 12:45:15 +0000 http://localhost:8888/?p=2140#comment-21061 False dichotomies are one of my pet peeves! We limit ourselves terribly when we engage in all or nothing, either/or, black and white thinking.

For example, my husband stopped mountain biking (a source of exercise and stress relief for him) when we got married – to my chagrin! I encourage him to take it up again but he has convinced himself that he can’t be a good husband and father if he takes the time to mountain bike.

Despite my protests (and he’s gained weight which he dislikes), he continues to reason this way. I’ve pointed out that this is a false dichotomy, but he persists.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

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