@Carrie – it is funny how we can say things and people don’t really hear them, because they assume you must not mean it. We have certain scripts that run in our heads that are very difficult to change.

Exactly… it does!

The thing is, he’s no slouch in the Daddy department so the guilt is really false. He puts the toddler to bed every night, spends most of the weekend hanging out with the family, taking kids to the park, he’s home for dinner every night, etc.

I think you’re on to something with not being separated from the baby so early, though I’d argue that being able to work from home is probably a good compromise. I think if people came back to work virtually in the fields where it is possible at 3 months, and didn’t transition back to in-office work until later (ok, ever) that could solve the problem too. I really didn’t take much time off after having any of my children. But because I could work on my own terms, and in my own house (thus seeing the kids at lunch, feeding the baby when she needed it) it was fine. Obviously this doesn’t work in all fields. If you’re a dental hygienist, you need to be where your patients are.

@N&M – even my two-year-old has now figured that “neither” is an option. He just told me that this weekend when I gave him a fake choice. I was like you can’t do that!

@Carrie- ugh, that’s a bad one. Especially since the added stress (and weight) probably does more harm to his self-image and hence to the relationship than the time away to bike would do! There could be a post in making time for big projects without taking too much time away from family. I trained for a marathon two years ago, and basically took a half day off work each week to do my long runs.

@Siran – yes, because it could never be the same person, right?

For example, my husband stopped mountain biking (a source of exercise and stress relief for him) when we got married – to my chagrin! I encourage him to take it up again but he has convinced himself that he can’t be a good husband and father if he takes the time to mountain bike.

Despite my protests (and he’s gained weight which he dislikes), he continues to reason this way. I’ve pointed out that this is a false dichotomy, but he persists.

Why do we do this to ourselves?