Comments on: Women, money, and what it covers

By: L

Tue, 04 May 2021 15:07:09 +0000

It is really surprising to me that there are women today who expect that the man will be the breadwinner. It seems so old fashioned. My mom (a child of 60s and 70s) made it very clear that you had to go to college, get a good job, and be independent from a man. It’s strange to me that everyone wasn’t raised that way. My mom was a divorced mom with two kids who worked second jobs, but I still would have thought that the idea that a man would support a woman would have been lost long ago. I get if it works out logistically (I secretely loved it when my husband was not working out of the home full time – it makes life so much easier), but that the assumption still exists is so weird to me.

As a kid, though, I didn’t think about supporting a family because I didn’t think I would get married and have kids, but I did. I also thought that there was having a job you loved was at odds with making lots of money – I’m not sure where I picked that up from; perhaps growing up in an affluent town as a working class kid made me feel like I had to be against money because I didn’t like how it seemed to make people shallow. I think the thing I didn’t figure out until I was much older is that money can support your values. It’s not that “Oh, I don’t need money because I don’t need fancy cars and fancy jeans.” It’s that money allows me to have vacations with my family. It makes it possible for me to leave a job if I hate it. It is relief from having to juggle the basics, like car payments and mortgage payments, but it also gives you a lot of power to do what you want. And I agree that to spend time thinking about how to cut might not be as productive as thinking about how to increase your earning potential through promotions, investments, etc. I do think that women are conditioned to not ask for more. There’s lots of research on the impact of women on asking for raises or negotiating hire packages. This is doubly so when you look at jobs that are typically women’s work – child care givers, teachers – they are expected to do this work out of a love for children and not ask for more money, and teachers unions are always attacked when they ask for things.

By: LG

LG — Tue, 27 Apr 2021 13:08:35 +0000

I graduated high school in the 80s. Neither of my parents attended college. I wasn’t a good student but nevertheless I won a major scholarship solely due to having the highest ACT score at my high school. I thought then I might want to go to college. The scholarship did not cover 100 percent of the costs however, and my mother was against it. She suggested I just marry my slightly older boy friend instead. I went to school for one year, bombed horribly, and then joined the army. I married a fellow soldier, and after 2 kids and a divorce, I realized that the only one that was going to take care of me and my children was me. I researched the programs at a local community college and picked the one I thought had the highest job opportunity and promised the best income. I have remarried and had two more children since then, but I have worked ever since. Now that we are looking forward to retiring in a few years, my husband and I are grateful for my pension and social security contributions. I have tried to teach my daughters that having a career is important not only for today but also for the retirement ramifications.

By: Angie

Angie — Tue, 20 Apr 2021 03:56:18 +0000

It’s funny that I stumbled on this particular blog post, because I have been thinking about my own career path lately, and how I might be more intentional with it. I grew up in a single-parent home after age 8, when my parents divorced. While I was growing up, my parents both worked full-time in grocery stores–my dad as a union baker, my mom mostly as a cashier, until my dad got white lung and decided to go back to school for IT during my last year of high school. I always had pretty decent grades in school and I wanted to go to college to study foreign languages, but my parents didn’t save anything for myself or my sister to go to college. My mom always encouraged me to pursue my interests, but my dad said that college was ‘stupid’ (at least, until he went back to school, ha ha!). In any case, I was well-aware that I had to pay for it somehow without their help, but working while going through college became very difficult, because I had terrible back pain from scoliosis ever since my late teens. I’m now married to a man from another culture (he grew up in the USSR), who was raised by a single mom. During the first several years of our marriage, I had to work because he was dealing with health issues and had trouble finding a job when we moved to an area where he had no connections. He’s since found steady employment doing something he more or less enjoys, but ever since I quit my job a couple of years ago for health reasons, it’s become more evident just how much he had the idea in him that we would both be working and the burden of being the provider would not be solely on him. In fact, even after going through physical therapy this past year, it’s been really hard for ME to get used to the idea that I may not be physically able to produce a significant income for our family anymore, or at least until I can figure out how to monetize my skills (I have been trying to work as a linguist, but it’s been hard to make money at it without putting in a lot of hours). Growing up, most of my relatives emphasized getting a career in government or some ‘stable’ job as a way for me to support myself, which never appealed to me, so I thought going to college would be a better idea. However, I was never told that I should be a homemaker or housewife (one grandmother is–the other went back to work out of financial necessity after 14 years of being a SAHM), and the event of disability was definitely never discussed or planned for on the part of my parents. I don’t think that they all really agree with the path that I took (except mom), but I was the first in my family (both sides) to go to college beyond a 2-year degree, so I know that they are proud of me for achieving that goal.

By: Maureen

Maureen — Sun, 18 Apr 2021 08:05:18 +0000

My mom raised my older sister and me with little child support from our dad. They were divorced before I was three years old, so I grew up with the guiding principle that it’s up to you to get whatever you want out of life. My mom babysat when we were really young, worked in an educational bookstore and later as a administrative assistant for a school district. She was always balancing her job and her family, finding the right fit for the phase we were in as a family. To be honest, money was often tight, but we were always overflowing in love. My first thought about the earning potential of a job was during the summers of college when I had to decide between unpaid/lower-paying jobs good for the resume, tourist-industry jobs with high volatility in hours/income (tips-based) or higher-paying job of mowing parks. I went for the stability of a guaranteed 40-hour work week. Today I work part-time and my husband definitely out earns me. I’m fine with it because I know that should anything ever happen to him/us, I’m capable of getting our two kids and me through it. It’s the lesson I learned from my mom, that financial independence is important but so too is making sure you have your priorities straight, that you get to decide what family lifestyle to support.

By: Sophie

Sophie — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 22:34:19 +0000

My family growing up definitely fell into that classic structure as dad as breadwinner and mum working part-time and as primary caregiver. They told us my brothers and I could be whatever we wanted and I did believe that but I’d also internalised the story that after getting married and having kids my job would be the one to be flexible and my husbands would be the main earner. It’s only recently with our second child that we’ve realised it makes more sense for me to be the breadwinner because although my husband has earning capacity, he hates his industry, and I also earn well and love mine. In fact it took much longer than it should have to reach that conclusion because of our inbuilt mindsets about gender roles. So my husband is caring for our 5 month old son for a few months while I go back to work, and his job may well remain the flexible one once he’s back at work. It is liberating and honestly so far when I tell people they think it’s great! I think people love the example of families being modern and choosing to mix up the parenting roles. At least my friends and family, I’m sure others in the community would disagree, but no point paying attention to those people, it’s working for us. Makes me glad I chose to spend my time building my professional career so we have that option now, I know many women who don’t.

By: Jackie

Jackie — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 17:25:14 +0000

Such an interesting topic. I have a very egalitarian marriage, but it’s surprisingly important to my husband that he can support our family on his salary. He technically could… if you take out childcare, our housekeeper, laundry service, new cars, delivery, vacations and the other splurges and conveniences we choose to pay for as a busy two career family. He’s very supportive of my work (I own a business and have out earned him for most of our relationship). It sometimes feels a little silly to talk as if he supports our family while my income goes to “extras,” but he also tells me I’m beautiful when I’m hugely pregnant with bad skin, so I consider these little delusions gifts we give to each other;)

By: Louisa

Louisa — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 15:38:10 +0000

Fascinating. I grew up in the Fifties. My mother gave up a job at a as a reporter for a national newspaper to join my father in his role as a diplomat. Nonetheless, my sibs and I were all encouraged to work and be financially– not independent, but at least capable.
My parents had an unspoken judgment about money: too much was frowned upon. One sister became a social worker, another a Presbyterian minister (though later the CEO of her church in NYC), the third a teacher. I went into business as a training consultant/coach, and eventually did very well, but not for a long time. My husband and I are now wealthy, but it had more to do with real estate and investments than earnings, and we both give each other credit. We bought a home in Palo Alto (my decision; he went along with it) during a relative economic dip, and sold it a number of years later at a huge profit. Later bought and remodeled a house in Mexico, where we live part-time. We are naturally budget-conscious so we can live on our savings.
A few years ago my husband bought a Bitcoin when it cost very little. He wanted to understand cryptocurrency in order to write a column about it. Bit by bit (as it were!) we bought more…and well, now, we have way more than we need and are giving it away. I don’t talk about it with my friends, because many of them don’t have a lot of savings. i wish I could.
I am grateful that the year after the IRA was created, my father advised my husband and me to get IRAs since we were self-employed. I had almost nothing to put in mine, but I did. I wish my parents had encouraged me at a younger age about investments.

By: Lindsey Y

Lindsey Y — Sat, 17 Apr 2021 12:39:55 +0000

My parents always encouraged me to think about careers with high earning potential. I was good in math and science so engineering was pushed pretty hard. I ended up in science and earned a PhD (through an engineering program to my parent’s credit) and make a respectable salary as a government scientist. I could have made much more if I went into industry, but I lean heavily towards environmentalism and protecting our resources – so my job is a perfect match. I’m recently facing being single again and it is comforting to know that my daughter and I can live on my income and I believe, with good budgeting, we will be able to do a lot of what we want. I recently met with a financial planner and I’m excited to begin making my money work harder for me. This was something I didn’t learn a great deal about growing up and I wish I had so I could have started earlier. Usually tasks like investing are left to the man of the house and so for me it never happened outside my employees retirement options.
Educating women about money and encouraging women to have self supporting careers is essential in my opinion.

By: Megan

Megan — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 17:15:33 +0000

I grew up in the 80’s with a mainly SAHM and father who originally was a teacher but moved into banking to better provide but never enjoyed his job. My parents didn’t talk to us about jobs and income earning aspect but with two older brothers I was always trying to keep up with them which drives a lot of my worldview and feminism. I currently make 4x what my husband does and have many friends where the female partner is the breadwinner. I’m not sure where it came from but I always think of jobs in terms of: enjoyment, money and time. You can usually optimize for two of the three. I’m someone who generally likes her job but also views it as I’d rather work no more than 40 hours for a good salary than feel extremely passionate about my job. Whereas my husband really needs to enjoy his job which leads to less income. Great topic which is making me think I should ponder how to talk to my kids about it. The goal of work is $$ IMO and to contribute but work is not volunteering so how to communicate the value.

By: Lisa of Lisa’s Yarns

Lisa of Lisa’s Yarns — Fri, 16 Apr 2021 13:35:37 +0000

This is such an interesting and under-discussed topic! My parents ran a business together and worked very very hard. I had no idea how much money they made – I think they were middle class. I never wanted for anything and we lived pretty frugally. They focused on teaching us to work hard and spend less than we make. There are 3 girls and 2 boys in our family and their message around money was the same for us. My mom managed and still does manage my parents money. They meet with their financial advisor together but my mom manages the day to day stuff so I always had the impression that money wasn’t a gendered issue. They also encouraged us to do whatever we felt driven to do. There was no mention of us girls not needing to work. My mom worked so I always assumed I would when/if I had kids.

I married late in life at age 36 so I spent a good chunk of my career thinking I would not have a 2nd income. I bought my first home on my own, too. It is very nice to have a 2nd income now. We both work for asset management companies so there is a lot of volatility in our industry and it’s likely that one or both of us will lose our job at some point due to downsizing or something along those lines. So it’s nice to have another income to fall back on. I earn more than my husband but we don’t talk about who contributes more. But my husband is very happy that I earn more and doesn’t feel any sort of resentment or insecurity. I could not be with someone who felt that way. He is very good at what he does but works for a smaller company that hasn’t grown as much as the large company I work for. So I attribute my higher salary in the same industry to luck but am glad that he’s thrilled that I make more!