Comments on: Reader question: What if my spouse and I aren’t on the same page with time?

By: Laura Vanderkam

Laura Vanderkam — Mon, 08 Apr 2019 13:34:56 +0000

In reply to Lori. @Lori - So glad you found me! I think all you can do is tell him exactly what you just told me. Add that this is not sustainable and that you welcome his thoughts on how to improve the situation. We may think that our spouses know how unhappy we are, but they don't always. So have another serious conversation. And if he completely balks, then you have to figure out what you can live with.

By: Lori

Lori — Sun, 07 Apr 2019 23:24:15 +0000

I appreciate this post- I recently started following your work and felt like I found a long lost time tracking soul sister. But what of the husbands that are always “working” but also frugal and refuse to support outsourcing? I have a lucrative career and actually make more than he does in our day jobs. He moonlights in politics, a passion of his, which also generates a very small amount of income for the home. The politics results in him being out at least one night a week, usually 2, and up to 4 during the busy season. On weekends he is working on the yard or other things and when I ask for either a. Him to handle bedtime when he’s home or b. The ability to outsource to a babysitter or cleaning service he insists we can’t afford it and questions why I need a break. He feels his time away from home is justified because he’s WORKING and we “need the money” where my time isn’t because it’s not for work. He doesn’t prioritize hobbies or a social life (unless you count the politics as that!) and I do. In the end the result is that I’m the primary parent and despite loving it I would love for him I share in the fun and responsibilities with me. What to do?

By: BrandonMarianne

BrandonMarianne — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 18:20:00 +0000

This post was perfect timing for me. My problem is that my husband works at nights. He doesn’t get home until midnight or even 2 am, depending on the night. I can stay up and go to bed with him (after we talk/he winds down… ugh) or I can wake up when he comes in because that always happens! Or worse, just lay there in bed not able to sleep because he’s not there and not using that time. Living on fumes, but I have decided to try going to bed early until I get used to sleeping without him and find a way to not wake up when he comes in. I’m getting too old for this. Ha! Any tips welcome.

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Fri, 15 Dec 2017 02:45:43 +0000

In reply to Ana.

@Ana – great! A lot of us here are time management geeks. But…this is a very specific subset of the universe!

By: Ana

Ana — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 21:02:09 +0000

OMG thank you for this post! Hahaha! I’ve been dealing with this question recently because in my case, I’m the time-management geek and he’s not. I love it! It’ll be very helpful

By: Monica

Monica — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 17:06:49 +0000

This post really resonated with me, especially your comment about appreciating your spouses nature. My husband does the same thing, bringing home flowers, chocolate or any number of indulgent treats I would never dream of buying. His whimsy offsets my strict adherence to my grocery list. Is the difference in our approaches frustrating at times? Absolutely. But we have a happier home precisely because we’re not both extremely regimented individuals.

By: Byrd

Byrd — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 13:48:53 +0000

I resonate with this reader’s question a lot, but I think I have less angst about it. I wonder if there is also a gender roles aspect to the question? I’ve hired help, and blown off things that were low priority, but (right or wrong) these were my emotional labor to begin with so it wasn’t as awkward as it feels like it may be for the question asker.

My husband says things like “You need more free time than I do” while he watches TV or browses the internet to ‘wind down’ for 1-2 hours every night. (Note: he does work really hard on all types of household tasks, other than this time period). He says this evening time ‘doesn’t count’ as free time because he’s lonely. This screams as a time management issue to me.

I go to bed at 9:30 every night because I need the sleep, and with a toddler that goes to bed around 9:15 and still wakes up early, there are some days where I don’t get any free/personal time at all. The above combination is really frustrating sometimes. Laura’s advice is good though, what helps is keeping focus on what I need and not worry as much about his self-awareness.

I have never been able to make the point about where if we rebalance our collective free time, we might get everything we need done and have room for a little time together at the end of a day before I need to go to bed. So, time management for me is a single-person exercise with hubs as a fixed quantity. (Again, I want to emphasize, he does a LOT). But, these things, and especially marriage, are all a work in progress, right?

Last thing, I also think good time management by an individual can influence others in the family. Just not overnight.

By: Carolyn

Carolyn — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 13:37:56 +0000

I wonder if the male reader can use compromise and flattery to sway his wife to outsource the housework (on top of offering to arrange it). I.e., “Honey, the reality is that in order to function, I need more sleep than you. One thing has to go, either our evening conversations or some of the house work. I love our evening conversations and would much rather sacrifice a little money to be able to spend that time with you and not feel anxious about the state of the house. I would be happy to take care of all the logistics so you don’t have to worry about it.”