I agree with your comment about differing standards triggering resentment. When my husband is the lead parent, the kid is more likely to get screens… and he is screen-sensitive; bad behavior often follows long screen time sessions.

This is definitely the sticking point in my relationship! I do not like to wait to think about dinner at 5 pm or put together lunch boxes at 6:30 am (when we leave at 6:40) and so by wanting these things done earlier than the last minute, it falls on me to do them (and if I just let my husband do these things, it means we’re having chicken nuggets for dinner (OK sometimes, but not all the time) or I’m in charge of getting the kids fed dressed and out the door by myself while he makes lunches). I understand my “high” standards mean that I need to do the meal planning and shopping and make lunches while my husband relaxes in the evening, but it does make me resentful sometimes. I appreciate this podcast topic and I’m going to focus on making sure I still have time to do the things I need to do. I think that will help with the resentment.

@Prachi- I think you’re referring to Bored and Brilliant, Manoush Zomorodi. Thanks for listening to the podcast!

Sorry, this question is not related to this episode of the podcast, but the one on screen time- I think? Sarah had mentioned a book she had read, on how much we are consuming and how we aren’t creating enough. Could you let me know the name of the book and the author please? Thank you.

Regards,
Prachi

YES to letting some things go until the next day. I figured out that I should really try not to do non-urgent housework while my kids were napping, having “quiet time” or sleeping and to use that time for stuff I want to do or connect with the hubby. It really does make for less resentment all around and my husband is a morning person and is MUCH more likely to tackle house chores at 6am than at 9pm. I grew up in a house where the rule was “no dirty dishes in the sink after dinner” so it’s been hard breaking that expectation, but I realized it really doesn’t matter as long as *someone* washes them at some point each day. I’ve gotten the kids to unload it daily (and sometimes the hubby does it himself) so now I’m down to loading it, which we also share especially when it’s crazy like at Thanksgiving. Kids also have put away their own laundry since about age 3 – I don’t care if they fold it – it just gets tossed into the right drawer. I’m always on the lookout for things they can do — it’s good for them and for us parents 😀

I’m a PGY4 this year, and have so much more flexibility, and it really is better. It is true, having control over your schedule makes a big difference, and I have noticed that on my research months. Though, if I’m honest with myself the real reason is that I rarely work 70 hours in a week when I’m on research (I know, hubris). I’m still worried about the total #s though. I mean, currently we’re about 120 when I’m having a heavy clinical week since my husband typically works 10 hours per day (plus a 2.5 hours in the car per day). If I include his commute, it turns into 130.

For me, thinking about big picture equality in my relationship is important but should not be confused with equality in every aspect. If he cares more about something than I do or vice versa, that decision doesn’t need to be “equal” for us to feel like our relationship is balanced. Being clear about your needs and not keeping score goes a long way.

You may still be >100 total post residency but you will have much more control over which hours you’re working so I suspect it’ll feel different/better. At least that’s what I tell myself as a PGY3. We are around 90-100 most weeks but I have more flexibility than I did last year.

Yes definitely there should NOT be strict limits! We have made >100hrs/week combined work just fine….but we definitely need to give the “lead” parent a break. This is the perk of non-family childcare- you don’t feel guilty asking them to come for a few hours on the weekend while you have some free time!

@Ana- thank you! I’m so glad you liked it. I’m fascinated to see what generates comments and what does not. The getting-dinner-on-the-table episode is up to 60+ comments now. This one…not so much.