Comments on: Podcast: Toward a 50-50 split, plus emotional labor

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Mon, 09 Oct 2017 14:19:36 +0000

In reply to ARC.

@ARC – I agree that expecting other people to read your mind is asking for trouble. With kids/housework there is a gendered component that then gets into larger historical narratives, which can make this topic more fraught, but still — communication is generally a good thing. Specify the desired outcome.

By: ARC

ARC — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 23:03:08 +0000

Laura – re: kids with different sleep needs sharing a room – here’s what we do sometimes. My 5yo oddly needs less sleep than my 8yo. However, there are also nights where the 5yo really needed to go to bed earlier because she was a tired mess after school. On those nights, we put the kid who needs more sleep to bed about 30-60 min before the other one. (Both of mine sleep like rocks once they’re out.) The later-bedtime one then feels like they’re “special” and they’re willing to take a change to the routine, like reading in a different room, so they can tiptoe into the room and just climb into bed quickly at their appointed bedtime.

Perhaps it works for us because it could be either one going to bed earlier, but my kids are starting to understand the correlation between getting enough sleep and how they feel when they have to be up at 6:30am for school.

Just a thought.

By: ARC

ARC — Sun, 08 Oct 2017 22:57:37 +0000

In reply to Laureen Marchand.

“I think life is a lot more harmonious if we all stop expecting other people to do what we would have done if they were us.” — this is SO true!

I got a weird vibe from that Harper’s article as well – I guess part of it was about airing interpersonal discontent so publicly – my husband would be pretty horrified by that. But maybe hers was cool with the whole thing.

Part of me was wondering why she didn’t *specify* what her desired outcome was – was it just a one-time cleaning, or did she want a more permanent solution? Why didn’t she just TELL her husband that he had to make arrangements for the kids while he was spending the day cleaning so that she could have her own time?

By: Laureen Marchand

Laureen Marchand — Sat, 07 Oct 2017 20:16:43 +0000

I live alone and I don’t have kids so I’m sure there will be people who think I have no right to respond to this. But as a single woman, I’m making the income and the dental appointments and the investment decisions; I’m raking the lawn and getting the car in for its oil change and doing the dishes; I’m buying everyone’s gifts and planning vacations and noticing when the water heater isn’t working plus getting it fixed. To me, anyone who has someone to do even part of this stuff has a pretty good deal. As far as the Harper’s Bazaar woman whose husband didn’t get her what she wanted for her birthday goes, this isn’t about emotional labour, it’s about not getting what you wanted for your birthday. That woman doesn’t have an emotional labour issue; she has an expectations issue. I think life is a lot more harmonious if we all stop expecting other people to do what we would have done if they were us.

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Fri, 06 Oct 2017 12:12:56 +0000

In reply to BethC. @BethC - I think much of household stuff comes down to who notices (and cares) more. While women are definitely brought up to notice and care more, that won't be a universal split.

By: BethC

BethC — Thu, 05 Oct 2017 18:11:00 +0000

Are you my spirit animal/clone/twin? Because I felt like the husband’s essay could have been written by mine, down to some of your specific examples. Last night’s discussion was about me parting from my nightly novel reading to vacuum the coach.. My husband does almost all vacuuming in between cleaning ladyvisits. He concluded that perhaps I might notice the dog hair accumulating during my nightly dog snuggling and book reading. Too many books, too little time.

By: M

Wed, 04 Oct 2017 19:32:17 +0000

In reply to lauravanderkam.

Maybe it’s more about wanting to see them get done (wanting enough that you will even do it yourself… without being asked…). That’s how I interpret this.

By: Ana

Ana — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 18:53:00 +0000

In reply to Caitlin. Yes, I absolutely agree with your comment about the last paragraph not quite holding up. Especially as the primary breadwinner in my family. I don't know about the "being brought up" that way, but it certainly isn't the case at this moment, and it feels pretty damn unfair to have to shoulder the stress of bringing home the majority of our income AND arranging >50% the other stuff. also YES!!!! to woman having to take on the consequences of forgetting the MIL birthday or what have you. Yes yes yes.

By: Christine

Christine — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 17:06:28 +0000

In my local free paper in a waiting room this afternoon. http://m.metronews.ca/#/article/views/2017/10/03/white-feminists-don-t-factor-in-other-women-when-it-comes-to-emotional-labour-mochama.html

By: LD

LD — Wed, 04 Oct 2017 16:30:20 +0000

I walked away from this article really wanting more specific ideas about how to break away from the gender norms and stereotypes around household management. I have a great husband, I make more $ (by a LOT) and I still do most of the “management” and emotional/relationship work. While he has picked up more in the past year as I’ve started an advanced degree, he really wants and expects recognition for it. How do we break this pattern and demonstrate a “new way” for our kids? We outsource some things, but that management part is killing me… the constant keeping track and taking action. I would love to hear if others have had success breaking out of these gender/hetero norms!