Comments on: No one has to lean back

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Mon, 09 Nov 2015 13:26:29 +0000

In reply to Emily.

@Emily – I do think it would be interesting to see how couple puzzle pieces fit together. For high-total couples, I imagine there is a lot of staggering and split-shifting going on. The puzzle can be difficult – or can just be viewed as an interesting problem to solve!

By: Emily

Emily — Sun, 08 Nov 2015 19:44:20 +0000

I agree, I would love to see you do a time-tracking of couples! I’m sure the results would be interesting. I would say my husband and I are probably at around 80 (weeks he’s not traveling) or 90 (when he is traveling). I don’t think 100 hours would be sustainable for us, and although I think higher income couples could make it work due to their ability to pay for lots of childcare, I really don’t think it would be sustainable for most people over many years who don’t have the ability to pay for a lot of extra childcare (i.e. over the typical child-care arrangement of a FT daycare or nanny) unless there was significant extended family help involved or some kind of very demanding schedule-staggering going on. I think 100 is probably doable for the higher income couples you tend to focus on, but even among middle class couples (and obviously even more so among lower income families), 100 is going to be pushing it. My husband and I are lucky to have some flexibility in our jobs, which I think is key as others have mentioned, but we also have middle income jobs that will never be lucrative (b/c we aren’t in the kind of professions where the top of the field makes a lot of money, and we are happy in these professions).

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 20:35:57 +0000

In reply to LH.

@LH – yep, that’s the quote. Life is a risk, be bold. I read and enjoyed the equal-parenting article, but yes, they were clear that both of them were aiming to work more in the 30-35 hr/range — “more than a job, less than a career” is I think the phrase. I don’t think things will fall apart at 80. I don’t think they have to fall apart at 100, though there may be requirements like flexibility.
No, I don’t count commuting time as working unless it’s spent working (like writing a memo while on the train).

By: LH

LH — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 14:21:32 +0000

We both have a lot of flexibility, which makes it all work. I gave your book to a friend to read, but you had a quote along the lines of “life is a risk; be bold.” I’m much more in the habit of asking for forgiveness vs. permission now.

There was an article in the NYT magazine a few years ago about equal parenting. What I took the article was that there seemed to be a tipping point of how many hours two parents could work before things started to fall apart or got trickier to manage. Seemed to be about 80 hours a week. Have you done any time tracking of couples? I’d be interested to see how couples make it work.

One other question – do you count commuting as time spent working?

By: omdg

omdg — Fri, 06 Nov 2015 13:32:32 +0000

I think that if you’re someone who makes enough money to afford the kind of childcare this requires, or if you have relatives nearby who are willing/eager to help out, or if one person’s job is already somewhat/very flexible, it’s easy to forget that not every two career family has that, and that in some cases it *is* necessary for one person’s career to take a hit in order to make it all work. In our case, I absolutely would not be able to do residency if my husband hadn’t said he would be the primary parent. He has definitely passed up some opportunities at work so that I could do this, and this is even though we pay for approximately 80 hours of childcare per week. The negative impact on his career is TBD.

By: lauravanderkam

lauravanderkam — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 22:53:07 +0000

In reply to Cloud.

@Cloud – very true on it being a different dynamic if it’s a joint problem solving approach vs. someone assuming his (or her!) career should come first. I suspect unfortunately the latter happens a reasonable amount and doesn’t bode well for the 2 big careers continuing.

By: Twin Mom

Twin Mom — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 21:21:53 +0000

What are your expectations for caregivers? A professional nanny is a different choice than a college student babysitter or childcare center. What characteristics of children make an alternate caregiver a better or worse choice? (I’m thinking of age, personality, disabilities, number of siblings in close proximity)

One professional couple I know had Mom (optometrist) work three 12 hr days weekly and Dad (engineer) work a more standard schedule. They hired young single moms as babysitters that they knew from their church network and let the moms bring their own children when they babysat, solving the caregiving problem for their family and offering money/stability to a couple young single moms. This came out of their religious commitment to consider the plight of young single moms, not necessarily because the young single moms were as qualified as professional nannies.

By: Cloud

Cloud — Thu, 05 Nov 2015 17:40:18 +0000

I think having at least one person have some flexibility is key. I suspect it CAN be done if you have two careers with rigid hours, but that requires either more paid help or more family help (like grandparents in town who can step in if needed). I have two answers for our particular situation: (1) When I was working at a “regular” job (i.e., I was an employee not an independent contractor), we staggered our schedules. I went in early and left earlier (by 4:30), while my husband went in later and left later. He did drop off, I did pick up, until my company moved away from our day care, and then I did the school drop off/pick up and he did day care. We both worked some extra at home as needed, and we each tried to pick up the slack at home if the other one was on a deadline at work. (2) Now that I am running my own business, things are more fluid. If I need to take a meeting at a specific time to try to get/keep a client, he steps in. Otherwise, I tend to pick up the kid things during the work week, because I have more flexibility. When I need to work extra hours (like recently, when I scheduled two book releases and an online class in the same six week period…oops), we talk about it and work something out to get me the hours I need. It is not always easy, but we can usually make things work. I think the key is that we are both aiming to have both of us have “big” careers. I think it would be a lot harder if one partner resented the fact that the other one was aiming so high, and had an expectation that their career should “come first.” Then things become a battle, instead of a discussion/joint problem solving session.